he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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