how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
