The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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