JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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