adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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