i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
