Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
