We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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