Having a random hookup so left but love u
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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