I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
