Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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