Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She's the barista slut.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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