she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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