There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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