Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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