I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
