ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Another day, another engagement, another cat
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
