literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
