While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
