I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
