I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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