On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize