You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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