you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
