Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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