i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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