yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
