He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
