So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize