You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
