I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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