i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
