I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
