Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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