SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
