I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
