i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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