guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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