You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
