I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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