found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
