I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
