I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
