Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
God, I missed his penis.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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