Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
