Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
