My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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