Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
