this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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