is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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