You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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