I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
