Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
