P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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