he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
