You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
