final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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