Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
